Names etched in the living rock of time as fathers of the modern game of Australian Football. Names revered for their vision and an equal passion to bring that vision to life. Names remembered as one day so too will those of Ahab, Bart, Cobbies, Glamma and Post. Not for any connection to Australian football, but rather for their pioneering contribution to the pursuit of competitive Slurpee consumption.
A Slurpee to most people is little more than a refreshing icy beverage best enjoyed on a hot summer's day. But for five boys from Templestowe – an outer north-eastern suburb of Melbourne, destined to receive notoriety as home to the Black Prince of Lygon St, Alphonse Gangitano – the Slurpee meant so much more.
For them, the Slurpee was a gateway to self-discovery. For them, the clipped conical form of a Super Slurpee held the answer to the question, "How much can you truly know about yourself if you've never dumped a bucket of ice down your throat as fast as you possibly can?"
And so it was that back in the late twentieth century, Ahab, Bart, Cobbies, Glamma and Post set about establishing the Super Slurpee Demolition Competition. Each year they would come together and challenge each other to push onward beyond the boundaries of the everyday, to grasp their potential with both hands and strive boldly into the unknown. And it was in that frozen depth that they discovered themselves; it was atop that icy mountain that they realised there was no limit to what they could achieve.
Sadly, though, the Competition was to run only three years before concerns over the negative health effects on its participants led to its abandonment. But its legacy lives on and has formed the foundation of a recent campaign by the 7-Eleven Corp. to see Slurpee Demolitions recognised as a legitimate sporting endeavour.
Curiously though, despite the obvious debt owed to the band of brothers from Templestowe, no mention is made of their names anywhere throughout the 7-Eleven website or on the marketing paraphernalia produced to support the bid. Also missing is any reference to the other form of Slurpee-based competition they pioneered, Slurpee tossing.
That's okay though, because the boys didn't do it for fame or for the recognition. They're just happy to know that the challenge they set themselves – to be the very best they can be – has gone on to inspire others all around the world. Like this noble guzzler for instance:
Or this competitive chap from Australia (oh, hello iPhone, didn't see you there):
Impressive, no doubt, but their sense of accomplishment seems a little unwarranted. I mean, sure that was quick... for a Large. Let us know when you're done paddling in the kiddie pool and are ready to dump a Super down your gullet. What's that? Didn't think so.
But I guess this sort of setting the bar at ankle-height is to be expected when you consider 7-Eleven's bewildering decision to discard the established name of Slurpee Demolitions in favour of the uninspiring and ultimately meaningless, Sport of Slurping. Slurping? Slurping is involved, sure, but Slurping as a name fails to capture any sense of the effort required to compete. My grandmother, if she were still alive, would be up for 'slurping' a Slurpee, but demolishing one is another thing altogether. Slurping merely requires a mouth, while Slurpee demolition requires an iron will, an iron oesaphagus, and a spirit of recklessness bordering on lunacy. Slurping! Blrrrrrrp.
Oh well, history is a great and slow-moving beast, and I'm sure that in time this issue will be set to rights. In the meantime, let's raise our cups to the crazy ones. Because they push us forward. Because they change things. And because if they keep shovelling that much ice into themselves at that rapid a rate, we may not get another chance.
UPDATE
Well, that was quick. I know it's taking me forever to complete my posts these days, but barely had I become aware of this campaign than the bunting at the local Sev was stripped down and replaced with signs promoting discount milk! Give a movement time to establish itself before pouring it down the drain, 7-Eleven. I didn't even get a chance to venture down and get involved or take a few photos of the promotional paraphenalia. Nyarh. The 'Sport of Slurping' failed to capture the public imagination, I guess. Oh well, in schoolyards and on street corners this game was born, and for now, that's where it will stay.
UPDATE 2
Hold on, not so fast! I'd never been able to get the 'Official Sport of Slurping' website to load beyond the introductory video, and I assumed they must have shut it down post-haste after the campaign flopped. I just went there now, however, and it seems the bid is not only alive and well, it's also been a success! The (apparently legit) International Federation of Competitive Eating has just recognised (so-called) Slurping as an official sport, with the likelihood of an international event in 2010! Well, there you go. Corrected I stand.
UPDATE 3
HOLD ON, NOT SO FAST!! I just tried going back to the O.S.O.S website, only to have Google throw up a giant red banner, saying the site is a suspected host of malware that may harm my computer.
Not sure why I wasn't warned the first time I went there? Possibly because I was on my MacBook using Safari 3, whereas now I'm on my iMac with Safari 4? Surely it hasn't only just happened while I was walking between rooms? Firefox 3 flags it as well, but I don't have FF2 still installed, so I can't check if it's an older browser issue. Hmm, well, whatever the case, fortunately I took a screenshot of the site when I was there, so you can still have a look without exposing yourself to the heinous wares of mal. Hey, you're welcome.
Of particular note, see how strongly Australia has lead the lobbying. Not surprising, I guess, as we are the home of competitive Slurpee consumption. Yay Australia. And if a screenshot simply doesn't sate your thirst for Demolition news, head on over to their non-quarantined Facebook page for more.
UPDATE 4
Complain and you shall receive! "Deflector" Shield has just sent through a photo he took with his iPhone of a Slurping poster hanging in the window of a 7-Eleven in the city. My thanks! I'll tell you, the iPhone 3G may not have the greatest camera going round, but the best camera really is the one you've got with you.
UPDATE 5
I hope you've been enjoying, as I have, Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation, the latest vehicle of success for the infallible Shaun Micallef (sorry, Welcher and what?). One of the segments on the show is called What's a Doodle Do, in which the contestants attempt to identify familiar corporate logos as they're revealed bit by bit. In a recent episode, this image came up...
...and I'm proud to say... hmm, maybe proud's not the right word, aah, bugger it, proud to say I called out, "7-Eleven" without a second's hesitation. Pride that escalated when it took the contestants all the way to this...
...before they fiiiiinally got the answer themselves.
Talented designer with an extraordinarily keen eye for detail? Or layabout urchin who spent too much of his youth hanging around a convenience store? You be the judge.
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